“HER, ME”

I don’t know if I will ever forgive you for betraying my trust, but I know I have to in order to move forward. I have always been straight forward and honest about my issues. I was there for you when you needed me & and maybe you can’t comprehend the fact that I truly needed you. I spent 7 days in the hospital and I even went so far as to have my friend text you. I couldn’t handle all the things that were not right in my life and I may very well have said a lot of crazy unnecessary things to your, but I assure it was more of a cry for help. I wreck myself daily no doubt about it, but I own every bit of it. I shouldn’t even be alive right now as much blood as I lost the doctor said I survived because God wasn’t ready for me to go. I am far more intelligent than I give myself credit for and I had a lot of quiet time to reflect on all the why’s. I put all of the bad things I endured with him as far out of my mind as possible and that was my first mistake. He broke me down and invaded me physically and mentally. I lived in fear on a daily basis, I didn’t know if he was going to punch me in the face choke me and kill me, or just beat me till I died. I thought just trying to forget would work and it won’t because he is still on top and mentally I realize now that he was and is mentally attacking my sanity. He wants me to see him happy because he knows that I am down right where I have been for a long time. I have to get it all out and undo the damage that should have killed me. I thought no one would understand or that when I told someone they would be so uncomfortable that they wouldn’t and could not really process everything because the things I told them made them feel uncomfortable so they just say I am sorry that happened to you and I just need someone to tell me that I didn’t deserve that and I don’t deserve the continued mental abuse that I continue to have to deal with because he is so cruel to keep my daughter from me for 2 years. I needed someone to tell me that I will make it and be willing to to just be there for me. You saw how awful I looked. When you needed me even with the small stuff I was there and I help you because that’s what friends do. Friends tell you that its not your fault that someone hurt you, friends come over and help you get a room cleaned or what ever else, but most importantly they do not just give up on someone. I get that I said awful things and most I don’t even remember, but you saw my arm and my leg. I looked you in your eyes and told you I needed my friend. I am truly dealing with the pain of it all and in the end I know I have to forgive you and him so that I can focus on me and be the amazing woman I have been all along. I was shutting down because I didn’t know how to say or explain that I was not okay. By the grace of God I am still alive and that in its self has made me truly understand that all the fears I had about what I wend through and continued to go through would be the end of me because I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I am breathing when I shouldn’t be; so I understood that I was more than strong enough to face my demons. He has no power over me and I understand that I don’t have to grieve a lost child but the time taken away. I was so confused on how do I cope without her. I know that I have another child but if it were Kalista instead I would feel just the same. I am done counting my loses. I take my short comings with stride. I really am a good person and I am sorry I spoke so cruel to you. I hope you are happy and stay that way. I really am starting over, when I say I was lost I was. I couldn’t even think of how I would continue, or where I started then I ran into the awesome social worker and how she knew what I needed to do I will never know. I know this may not mean anything to you but I was stuck with I should be smart enough to figure out how to truly change my my life. The simplest things like when I had down time, and felt sad or angry or defeated that I needed something to be there and she really covered all the things that I deal with and will continue to deal with for some time. I was so ashamed of the lack of attention I have given Kalista, but I realize that she needs me and I also realize I need her a whole lot more. All it took was for me to tell her I was sorry and I asked her to sleep with her mama because I didn’t want to sleep alone anymore. As much as I thought my parents would be a certain kind of way, they aren’t and I spend time with them and I can’t tell you how that has slowly but surely become something I never thought possible. We actually have game night and all of us sit in the living room together. Its funny how something so simple as telling them I need to have my family and it wasn’t to late for us to change. I am far from where I am headed, but I am making damn sure I tell myself how proud I am, how beautiful I am and I am intelligent by far more than I could have ever imagined and its not to late to use that so that I can…..

How in the hell do your mourn a child that is still alive???

I havent been able to see my daughter since she was 2 and it seems as though no one on this earth can empathize or show sympathy towards what I deal with on a daily basis.  Im sure out of sight out of mind may work for people but it only cuts off my oxygen a little more everyday and I almost go in to full blown panic attacks if I allow myself to dwell on the fact she was @ years old and not she is 4 going on 5.  Why? just why all the way around has a man that beat me raped me tortured my mind soul and my sanity still winning? why is it everyone sees and goes by whats on the surface what they can see not the underlining lies and deceit that is alive and kicking.  People say oh karma, or what goes around comes around or everything happens for a reason, and I am here to say that I am broken, damaged, and my soul is shattered into a million pieces.  WTF and I dont care judge me bc a the end of the day I’m sure you will be only one of many.

Pain

I realize no one will ever know my pain, the pain I carry with me everyday.  I wake up with it, go through my days with it, and go to sleep with it.  Believe me when I say I have longed to feel normal, what ever that may very well be.  I have slowly realized that I have been numb to it all.  That at some point in a state of desperation my poor soul attempted to numb and block the feelings of hurt and sadness all the while trying to stand and appear strong, when really my heart was broken and my soul shattered.  No matter my intentions I have hurt others and I have lost people that I loved dearly and always will. in every relationship you have your ups and your downs without  a doubt.  You have those that you will hurt unintentionally, and those that no matter what you do you can never please them even if you tried.
I still smile of course, and crack a joke and see the funny side of things where possible, but surviving this time is taking something deeper and more primeval – almost a type of anger/hate I can direct at my ex and his family psychologically, like a weapon. As I have had nothing but time to think and reflect on the changes that have happened the past few months and I have come to realize that the only way I can truly be happy is to deal with the loss of my daughter who is still alive and well and until I face it head on with all I have then I won’t ever be able to truly be able to love another person aside from my daughters.

Focusing and Staying Positive

Once the fog was beginning to clear I discovered something very interesting about the people we choose to have in our lives. I assumed that certain people would always be there for me; however, I quickly learned that is not always the case. I have gotten a fair amount of judgement along with alot of ups an downs in my life.  The days I am down, the more days I am without her, the more I feel worthless. Those days I truly want to focus on the positive and be strong, but I just can’t. I am loosing precious time that I will never get back.  I ask myself does she even remember who I am anymore.  The last time she saw me was when she was 2 and she is 4 now. What I do know is I will never give up! As long as I am a live, I will keep trying.  I will continue to reach deep inside and give it all I got.  I will not give in, as long as I am breathing. I let go of what could be a long time ago. I have been stripped down to my weakest self for all the world to see, in my rawest self.  Truth I don’t need to be loved, I just want to be accepted.  I am guilty of putting up walls and dressing up my soul and heart, in an attempt of creating something that doesn’t exist. So now that I think about it, I have been lacking a sense of belonging this past year and even until now. So until recently I hadn’t thought of the fact that at the end of the day everyone including myself are hard wired to need and want the thing we call love.  I am learning that that there are things a person can just bypass.  That in order to grow and learn a person must embrace with everything they have, including me.

Loss and Pain go Hand in Hand..

The day I met my youngest daughters father was the day my world stopped spinning and not in a good way. All the trauma I endured I denied it for a very long time.

And to this day I have not been able to master “having it all together” convincing smile. There is no denying a wound even the internal kind. With that said experiencing a loss even if it is not for ever can’t help but change you. When people ask me how I’m doing I think to myself “how the fuck do you think I’m doing?” I am grieving. It definitely does not get easier with time.  I’ve gone through all the stages of grieving 2 or 3 or hell too many to count which included denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  The pain of living with out even the simplest of contact with my 4 year old for 2 years. This pain is a physical pain that has reached all the way to my heart and soul.  Smothering me to where I cannot breath and forever scaring it with the memory I will never forget.  A loss will always be a lose, and no amount of time will ever change that.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,415 other followers